Do you ever just feel like going crazy? Really, crazy? ‘Cause I do.

Where do I even begin?

Well for starters I am beginning to wonder if I’m freaking nuts. Yep, I said it. I think I am insane, off my rocker, a freaking kook. I used to have severe anxiety.. to the point of completely zoning out and not remembering how I got places. I would get so freaked out and nervous I would just take off and BOOM! realize I was not in the same place as I was moments ago. I have memories of walking down the halls at school and feeling like I was moving in slow motion, hearing whooshing sounds like a helicopter all around me, and the lights seemed so intense and overwhelming.. I felt like I was in a hospital being rushed down the hall on my death bed. ohhh those were the days. :\

I have taken 3 different anxiety medications with no luck. It’s kind of one of those things where I don’t feel like I need medication all the time, just when I feel overwhelmed, worried, and freaked out. Sometimes this happens once a month and sometimes it’s several times a week.. there is really no telling when it’s going to be unmanageable, it just happens.

Maybe when I am finally able to find a job I will be offered health coverage because boy do I need some answers. The clinic I go to because I have no insurance is a joke, honestly. It’s like he doesn’t even listen to what I’m saying when I try to explain what is going on with me. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack every single time I go anyway! I have a hard enough time talking to people I am not close with, so trying to explain how I feel in my head to a complete stranger is enough to send me in full blown anxiety attack mode. Gah! Why me, right? Why me!?

It also doesn’t help that I think my grandma was bipolar, that my aunt is diagnosed bipolar, and my other aunt is either completely insane or just on crack.. either way it’s enough to make me think I’m headed for an insane asylum. (kind of kidding, I don’t need a straight jacket or padded walls.. yet).

Anyway.. I need rest before my brain explodes. I’m already worrying about tomorrow.

Q&A, Just For Fun. ;)

A. What are your favorite smells?
Dragons Blood Incense, Lavender, Mint, Cinnamon

B. Can you go a whole day without caffeine?
Nope, absolutely not.

C. Who knows more about you than anyone else?
Cory

D. What song did you last listen to?
Passenger- Let Her Go

E. Do you have a crush on anybody?
I still have a crush on my husband..

F. Do you like The Beatles?
Yes!

G. If you could choose one color to wear for a whole year, what color would you choose?
Burgundy

H. Do you cook often?
Yes, every day.

I. What was the last film you watched? Did you like it?
Bad Words.. it was hilarious!

J. Can you sew?
Yes.

K. What is your favorite fruit?
Apples

L. Are you health conscious?
Mostly.. sometimes I have to make myself chill or anxiety gets a little out of control.

M. Go do the Kinsey scale test, what number result did you receive?
One

N. Do you curse a lot?
If I’m angry.

O. When was the last time you had a pint of beer?
Never, beer is gross.

P. Are you pro life or pro choice?
Pro life to an extent unless it was rape or will physically harm the woman who is pregnant.

Q. Is there a certain food you often crave for no reason?
Not really.. besides coffee, but that’s a drink.

R. What was the last book you purchased?
Something to do with photography, don’t remember the title.

S. Where was your last vacation?
Georgia

T. Do you shave your pits?
Ha, yes.. definitely.

U. Did you ever play seven minutes in heaven?
Yes.

V. Girls, when was the last time you went out without a bra?
I don’t remember.

W. Guys, when was the last time you went shirtless in public?
NA

X. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how did it happen?
Nope.

Y. How do you like your eggs?
Fertiliz… no I’m kidding, pretty much however. Scrambled with cheese is good though.

Z. What was your last argument about and who with?
Um.. I don’t argue with many people, so probably my husband.. and something silly I’m sure.

I’m addicted.

to all “smell goods” of the world. I love incense, candles, melts, oils, potpourri, carpet fresh, pine sol, bleach, antibacterial cleaners, perfume, cologne.. The list continues. My house has always got to smell good and be “clean” as in germ free-ish because we all know it’s impossible to have a spotless house with children and animals running wild.. But I try! It has to be disinfected twice a day and smell fresh or like cinnamon or coffee cake or Hawaiian breeze.. or pine sol!

And my perfume collection, don’t get my husband started. He says I wear 50 fragrances at all times and just get lucky because they mix well. Hahahaha

It is an obsession and I can’t help it. I feel like it started in grade 5 or 6 because I didn’t want to smell like cigarette smoke and my entire family smoked like freight trains.. I’ve never smoked, mainly because of the stench, but it made me kind of.. Okay… Really OCD about smelling good and keeping my home fresh. No one is allowed to smoke in my house, not even in the garage.. Not even by the front door.. You gotta be on the front sidewalk lol I CANT HELP IT! 🙂

Make your own happiness!

You have to make your own happiness!

If you can’t make yourself happy, how do you expect someone else to?

Smile, a lot.

Be nice to complete strangers.

Compliment someone.

Don’t expect anything from anyone.

Always be grateful.

Always be kind.

Remember it could always be worse.

And just BE HAPPY!

xoxo, Destiny.

 

I’m a mom with no “mom friends.”

What happened.

Cory and I moved prettttty fast. I was engaged at 16, owned my house at 18, had Jaiden at 19 and had completely settled down living the married life! All of my friends from high school had either gone to college, partied at the bars every night, or they just weren’t really the kind of people to bring around a child (I know this sounds terrible, but I don’t want people that are completely obliterated on only God knows what kind of drugs to be around my baby).

Well, now most of my old friends have had kids.. Either we lost touch, they still haven’t cut the drama, or they get a sitter every single weekend. We take Jaiden with us everywhere! That is what being a parent is all about; raising your child(ren). We get a little break from time to time, when his mamaw steals him for a night! We like having him with us, but there is nothing wrong with a mommy and daddy date. 🙂

I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not need “mom friends”.. My little boy and I have a wonderful time all by ourselves. We don’t have a big family but he does have a few cousins close in age that he sees from time to time. I don’t need friends, he does.. and so long as I make sure he has the opportunity to interact with other children that is all that matters. He is one of the sweetest little guys I’ve ever met.. and me not having “mom friends” doesn’t affect him being a social butterfly! I have a very confident, caring, and absolutely awesome little boy and so long as he is happy that is all that matters.

It all kind of makes sense.. I don’t have “mom friends” because my happiness isn’t what matters, it’s his. I don’t have to surround him with a bunch of other kids in order for him to be happy.. He is happy because his mommy surrounds him with all of her love and time.. and the people that are around him do the same. He has so many loving, caring, and amazing people that are here for him in every single way.. and it doesn’t matter if they have children to bring along!

Cory.

My everything.

Let’s start at the beginning.. I was 15 years old, still trying to get over the loss of my brother. I liked to keep to myself, in my room, with my thoughts. I had lots of friends but I only went out at night, it seemed easier to face the world then.

I won’t lie.. I had lots of “boyfriends” off and on from grade school, but before it could get serious I would break up with them. I was a serial dater, as I would always go back out with these boys and ultimately break up with them again. Yes, that’s pathetic, but it’s how I handled things then, to keep myself guarded.

I started sneaking alcohol at night, not to get drunk with friends, but so that I could sleep. I would not go to counseling. I would not take anti-depressants. I just tried to fix myself. Every time I’d close my eyes at night I’d picture the moment I found my brother. God, it was hard. There are still times now that I have flash backs of that very moment, the chills, the sick feeling in my stomach.. it all comes flooding back.

I really just avoided people. I always felt like people were staring at me, judging me, talking about me.. and it made life so hard. I had severe anxiety and the easiest way to socialize with people was on chat.. so I did, and I met a lot of wonderful people that turned into real life friends, but Cory turned out to be so much more…

I chatted with all of Cory’s friends on Yahoo! Messenger, long before I knew him. We actually had seen each other at school, he had even tried to talked to me a couple times, but my anxiety shut that down quickly. I didn’t even realize that he had been trying to get my attention all the way back then. One day I decided to start a conversation with him after talking with a mutual friend online and it changed my entire life. Because from that moment on.. we have never given up on love.

He decided to come to my house with our friend and I was terrified. I made my mom lie and tell them I wasn’t home.. even though they knew that I was. Then, they sneak up to my bedroom window and scare the hell out of me! I finally opened the window and we talked and we talked and we talked..

He went home and around 3am he asked me out via Yahoo! Messenger. I, of course, played hard to get but ultimately said yes that morning.. and we spent every summer night until sunrise together at my house sitting on my front porch or laying on blankets in the back yard.. I don’t know how we had so much to talk about, but we did.. we talked about everything, I told him things I had never told anyone before. He quickly became my best friend and my everything.

My friends disapproved. My ex boyfriends tried their hardest to weasel their way back into my life. My parents said he was too old for me. My step dad and Cory actually got into a pretty heated argument, and any other teenage boy would have said “forget this” and moved on, but he stayed.. and he stood his ground. His exes drove me insane! My friends, or so called friends, actually tried to break us up. It was unbelievable. But, did we let any of that get in our way? Absolutely not. We talked about everything.. We knew each other, we knew we wanted to be together and nothing else mattered.

He helped me out of a very dark place in my life. He helped me see the world for what it really was.. not what my mind had made up. I was happy again. I actually smiled, boy did I smile! There was a time when I thought I couldn’t be happy, and he changed that completely. He makes me happy every single day.

Sometimes I feel like people don’t understand the love we actually have for each other. He wasn’t just my boyfriend then, he was my best friend. He was my heart and soul. Nothing has changed except for this little paper that says we’re married. Now he is my husband and my best friend.. always my heart and soul. We have been together since July 20th, 2004.. absolutely inseparable and I will shout that from the roof tops. I have an amazing man who is supportive, kind, faithful, and absolutely mine!

No matter what ever happens in our life.. he will always be the one.

Georgia

Having a wonderful time here in Georgia! It’s nice being away from the hustle and bustle of our every day life and just relaxing with our family. Even though it’s so different down here I am thankful that my sister in law and I have so much in common. Right now the boys are going fishing and the ladies are taking the kiddos to the park. 👍

Adventures!

Leaving today and boy am I happy about this. I love my home state but spending so much time down south as a kid I just need to go down for a visit every now and then. Second trip to Georgia this year! Going to see our family and I am pretty happy about that. For so many years it seemed like our family just kept getting smaller and smaller and now it’s going in the other direction, which is wonderful!

Anyway.. keeping this short and sweet as I have too much to do today.

Peace and love,
Destiny

PS.. I will probably update this from the hotel later.

Crispy Forever, a memory..

I walked through the bright white halls with my head up.. eyes wide. I wasn’t going to let them break me. I was going to be strong.

My hair was down just like his.. long and wavy. I had his tie dye on which was far too big for me but it was his, and now it will be mine..

I had his hemp jewelry wrapped around my neck, my wrists, and my ankles..

I had written in big bold letters “Crispy Forever” on my binder.. and in my heart he would live on forever.

… That was the day everything changed.

I will be a beautiful person, just like him.

I will be kind. I will show compassion. I will show respect. I will stand up for what is right. I will not take shit from anyone. I will stand tall for my family and friends. I will love, unconditionally. I will be strong even when I am weak. I will be myself, regardless of what others think.

I will be a beautiful person, just like him.